I’m 52 and just found out my wife of 20 years has a secret savings account with over $100K stashed away — should I confront her?

Hiding money may be reasonable but can undermine trust

The data clearly shows many couples hide money from each other, and there are sometimes good reasons for that — especially in the case of women keeping money secret from a partner.

The reality is that for generations, most women were financially dependent upon men who were able to use money to exert control or trap them in unhappy or even unsafe situations. In many households this is still the case, so some experts advise women to have some money in their own name so they have financial independence if they need it.

In a relationship where a man outearns a woman, she may also want money of her own in order to feel like she has some freedom to spend without asking permission. This can be especially important if her husband is controlling with money or questions her choices.

Of course, men can also have secret accounts, too. In fact, both spouses may want money of their own to spend as they like or may be concerned about their partner's spending habits and want savings to fall back on if they're less of a spendthrift. This doesn't necessarily mean the secret money is there because either person is planning their exit strategy.

Still, while there are absolutely valid reasons for maintaining separate accounts, finding out about a hidden pool of money can undermine trust in a partner and put the relationship on shaky ground.

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Couples must find a way to communicate and compromise

If you find out about a partner's hidden stash of money, it's important to communicate now. Communication obviously failed in the past, or the secret account wouldn't exist in the first place.

First, find out why they felt the need to hide the cash and what you can do as a couple to make sure you both feel comfortable sharing your financial lives. These answers may show the way forward or reveal signs of a bigger problem. If you can't forgive your spouse or their reasons point to an underlying rift in the relationship, you may need marriage counseling or even a divorce lawyer.

In these situations, it's important to remember that the problem isn't your spouse's desire to have their own money; it's the secrecy. You should work to come to an agreement together about how to maintain separate accounts in a way that makes you both comfortable, if that's important to your partner.

A secret savings account can have a big opportunity cost

Aside from all the other more serious issues with a big secret stash of money, the reality is that keeping $100,000 locked away in a savings account comes at a huge opportunity cost.

At best, savings accounts typically earn a 4% to 5% ROI these days, and that rate is likely to be much lower when we aren't in a high-rate environment like the current one. Investing that money in the stock market could double the returns you can earn, leaving you with a lot more opportunity to build shared wealth.

Ultimately, the best thing to do is have an open conversation about why your partner feels the need to hide money, how that choice could impact your joint financial future, and what you can do to move forward in a way that strengthens your shared finances while still allowing for the independence each person needs to feel comfortable.